Cannot tell nobody, must tell everybody.
The newest decesion in my life is to be systematic, and evolve my daily routine.
So much fears in my life, which I can't carry alone, nor give it somebody. And this is just rotting in me. I can project them to the school, but in fact all my problems are in me. The school is school, how I deal with it, this is the question. But this is so uncontrollable for me. I could speak about it hours and days and years, nothing would be solved, and nothing would be easier. I could complain about it permanently, but this is nothing more, but disjecting bad thougths and feelings, and nothing is changed. Nothing comes from this.
I want to go far away, fly fly away, but my shadow is coming. My body is coming. My fears are following me. Never could escape from them, but turn around and fight against them.
This anxiety of mine is so tough. I never understood the challenges of adulthood. But now. I always thought that every problem is solvable. No, not at all. And I'm not almighty at all.
I don't know what is the sense of this text. I'm just writing my feelings without controll. Enough controll for me. All day I controll kids, and myself. Every afternoon I'm so tired of this, that I would like to swear all the time. And I'm become agressive but not with others, with myself. It's just collected finitly to explose at the end. Maybe it won't be just an explosion, becuse this explosive is a poison in me, eating me from inside. This is eating my body, my organs, and I'm falling apart. MAybe there is nothing anymore in me, I'm totally empty. Maybe I have no tomb at all.
Nobody can imagine how hard and decreasing is to experience every single day that they don't respect you. Don't listen when you are talking. Don't do what you ask. And you have to fight for every word, every minute, every task. You learnt for them for five years. You give them your time and creativity. You were preparing for years. Not just in the university, this is the least. Look at this blog. Look at the subtitle. It was all for them. For them in the school, and for them in me. And now I have nothing, I lost both of them. It seems so unnecessary attempt for me now.
I know that I'm valuable. I have a lot of knowledge and fun I know. And I failed it to pass. And it makes me so upset.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, says the citation, but this is not true. You won't be stronger... just humiliated. I'm afraid of that I won't survive this period without any mental problems. This spasm in my stomach every sunday... this awful nutrition, which I really can't control. And my worst fear is that it won't cease, when I finish this school. Because I will always know that they didn't respect me, and I will always be afraid of people's respect. And I will carry this fear, like a failure, like a complex. It won't makes me stronger. It's literally killed me, killed my pride, killing my pride day to day. Not just once. Not twice. It's killing me three years permanently.
